


Mo---erfucker

by TrollingfromtheBarricade (ShitpostingfromtheBarricade)



Category: Les Misérables - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Crack, Don't copy to another site, Grantaire pov, I am intentionally leaving this one vague, M/M, Pre-Relationship, like a fish-slap in the face
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-31
Updated: 2019-10-31
Packaged: 2021-01-15 14:55:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 747
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21255182
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShitpostingfromtheBarricade/pseuds/TrollingfromtheBarricade
Summary: Enjolras’s mouth is pressed into a thin, firm line, but he holds the gaze nevertheless, which Grantaire takes as a good sign.  It has only been a month since Grantaire’s revelation regarding the man before him, but really, all of the signs have been there for years—centuries, even.  Otherworldly beauty?  Seduction personified?Too hot to possibly be mortal?Warnings:references to sex, pure crackfic excellence





	Mo---erfucker

**Author's Note:**

> Developed with, written for, and beta-read by the illustrious [PieceOfCait](https://archiveofourown.org/users/PieceOfCait/pseuds/PieceOfCait).

Recently showered? Check. Bloodwork done and clean? Check. Painstaking avoidance of any handling or consumption of the most delicious of food additions over the past three weeks? All in the name of a higher cause.

V-neck sans-scarf under an open peacoat despite the cold?

_Check._

The door to the Musain swings open, and Grantaire allows himself in, the heat of the space immediately warming him and drawing the blood back into his face. _Perfect._ He lets himself into the backroom where it would seem everyone else is already gathered.

“Quick question for the class,” he announces upon entry, “we got any monsterfuckers in the room?” Enjolras’s eyes finally rise to meet his. “Because I am a _slut_ for interspecies relations.”

The blond’s mouth is pressed into a thin, firm line, but he holds the gaze nevertheless, which Grantaire takes as a good sign. It has only been a month since Grantaire’s revelation regarding the man before him, but really, all of the signs have been there for years—centuries, even. Otherworldly beauty? Aversion to sunlight and blood? Seduction personified? Disdain for religion as an institution? _Too hot to possibly be mortal?_

Enjolras is clearly a vampire, and Grantaire is gonna get vampirically _fucked._

It occurs to him that everyone else has been marinating in the silence that followed his question and that Grantaire can’t simply out the blond incubus to the others. Twisting around, he addresses the rest of the room. “C’mon, no one? Feuilly gets a pass—”

“Thanks.”

“—but none of the rest of you?” His nerves are catching up to him. Could this be a fault in his flawless plan? His eyes fall on Combeferre, and he beseeches the scholar. “Ferre! My man, my friend, my brother: you can’t honestly tell me that you wouldn’t be down for some Mothman action.”

A single finger reaches up to adjust Combeferre’s glasses as he finally lifts his eyes to address Grantaire with a solemn raised eyebrow. Grantaire braces himself, prepared to be torn down Freedom-Style, when— 

“Mothman could absolutely raw me.”

With the admission, the tension in the room breaks. 

“I’d need to run it by Muse and Jo, but I’m curious,” Bossuet shrugs.

“Ayyy, there we go,” cheers Grantaire, sliding into Bahorel’s lap.

Marius’s mouth opens.

“Pontmercy,” Combeferre states without looking, “you both live with and get fucked by Napoléon’s ghost: you have no moral highground.” 

Marius’s mouth shuts.

_Well all righty then._ Whatever knowledge lies between the two men is probably best kept there. Turning back to Bahorel, he resumes his train of thought. “Tessa—”

“Risa.”

“—fucks with Bahorel, so I fucks with Risa,” he adds, patting the werewolf on the cheek. Bahorel pushes Grantaire off with a grin, but Grantaire withdraws his digits all the same.

“And Jehan,” he continues, gesturing toward em. “There’s no way Jehan is mortal, and not to sexualize em without eir consent, but,” he pauses to give a wink, “I’d be down.”

The fae—let’s be real, probably fae—graces him with an indulgent smile before returning eir attention to eir phone, grinning broadly. 

As everyone else chatters away in comfortable camaraderie about their preferred consensual cryptid of choice, Enjolras remains at the front of the room in silence. Clearly, Grantaire needs to start dropping hints that he’s lookna smash vampire junk.

“I’m lookna smash vampire junk,” Grantaire intimates with a suggestive cock of his brow, leaning back against the table beside Enjolras and breaking out what he hopes comes across as a sensuous and thorough eye-fucking. “Never been a thrall before, but I’ve done my research, and I’m enthusiastic.”

Enjolras’s eyebrows raise in apparent amusement briefly before the vampire breaks eye-contact in favor of evaluating the room. 

The door opens again, and the chatter ceases. 

“Um. I don’t know what brought on today’s topic of conversation,” Courfeyrac begins cautiously, “but as long as it’s safe, sane, and consensual, I’ll try anything once.”

“And with that said, I think it’s time we get this meeting underway,” segues Enjolras cleanly. 

Grantaire tries not to let his disappointment show as he retires to his regular seat in the back of the room. _Three weeks of bland, garlic-free food, and nothing to show for it._

“In any case,” the blond continues, “I’ve been reliably informed that, by and large, humans are the real monsters.”

The comment is accompanied by a wink, and Grantaire entirely misses the topic change that follows, a single coherent thought consuming him.

_Is Enjolras game to get freaky?_

**Author's Note:**

> Obligatory PSA: this is not my kink, I do not endorse beastiality in any way/shape/form, and ffs if you are interested in monsterfucking at least refer to the [Harkness Test](https://preview.redd.it/h91zzokhxop01.png?auto=webp&s=bc4b3232264b301c734a6794de6be0f6035c0e86) first.
> 
> Mad that you read this fic despite the warnings? Tell me below or at my [tumblr](http://shitpostingfromthebarricade.tumblr.com)! :D


End file.
